The Inconvenient Truth About Self-Worth
The Inconvenient Truth About Self-Worth
First time here? Welcome. I’m Sarina, Mother, mentor, artist and writer.
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Several years ago after a traumatic breakup, and some close examination of my WTF relationship choices thus far, I was on the London Underground and suddenly realised something that would change my life and work forever:
Worthiness is innate, but self-worth is a practice
I rushed home and wrote these words down in my journal, reading it over and over again.
There’d always been the gnosis of my innate worthiness, but my energy and actions rarely aligned with this worthiness.
If I had a knowing of my innate worth, why had I made such terrible choices?
It was clear there was a huge disconnect between what we know to be true of who we really are and what we’re really made of and how we actually show up in the world.
I was somewhat aware of this disconnect for many years, but I didn’t zoom into it until after the breakup, when I needed to know “Why the fuck did I choose this dude? Why did I stay despite my intuition speaking in extreme anxiety?”
At the root of my choices to stay in unhealthy romantic relationships and even friendships, lay the subtle energy of ‘Maybe I don’t deserve better’.
Recognising this stopped me in my tracks,
‘Wow, I made those choices because I felt unworthy of healthy relating, well that’s pretty fucked.’
I’m paraphrasing my process, obviously, because my body was consumed with the gut-wrenching sadness of how disloyal I’d been to the divinity in me.
Healing required my willingness to see and feel my choices for what they were: a reflection of how unworthy I felt.
And how unworthy I felt, was intriguingly, no reflection of my innate worth.
The answer to this disconnect?
Practicing self-worth, i.e. aligning our energy and actions with our innate worthiness is our number one purpose in this life.
I was increasingly becoming aware of all the ways I’d behaved as if I was unworthy.
There was no greater gift than this awareness and nothing was going to stop me from changing my life beyond recognition.
What I knew for certain was I needed some solid self-worth before I would dare to date again.
The idea of self-love didn’t resonate, because self-love felt like loving energy and actions towards myself.
But I didn’t feel worthy of a healthy kind of love, so I couldn’t even give it to myself.
Self-love felt like slapping a BandAid on a gaping wound then congratulating myself for it.
A.k.a. missing the point.
I realised that practicing self-worth was the pre-condition to receiving beauty and love from myself or anyone else.
After two years of intentional celibacy and deep healing, I began mentoring women who yearn to show up to life from their innate worthiness.
It was clear so many women also had this gnosis of their divinity, while experiencing the disconnect in how they show up.
I’ve worked with mothers, psychologists, energy workers and women in the corporate world, as well as the occasional man.
If there’s one thing connecting every one of us awakening humans, it’s the need and desire to make better choices for ourselves.
Self-love could also be described this way - making better choices for ourselves.
But here’s the distinct difference:
Self-love focuses on what you choose for yourself
Self-worth examines why you choose it
Self-worth is the ever-present energy behind the choices you make.
First, we need to take stock:
Where have I been abandoning my needs?
Where have I over-extended myself?
Where have I sought validation to fill a void?
Where have I tried to fit in, because I don’t feel I belong anywhere?
Where in my life am I acting like I don’t deserve better?
Practicing self-worth begins with brave curiosity:
asking ourselves inconvenient questions
and telling ourselves inconvenient truths.
Practicing self-worth is inconvenient because:
It requires us to slow down to an uncomfortable pace and take a close look at the patterns in our choices.
It requires us to accept that we can’t buy our way out of it, or smother it in self-care rituals.
It requires us to accept that no matter what happened to us, no matter how painful it’s been, we are the master of our lives and we get to choose how we show up from here.
It requires us to feel what is there instead of pretending it’s not limiting our lives.
If there’s shame, we must face it
If there’s self-doubt we must listen to it
The body is an infinitely intelligent instrument that, given the right conditions, will flush out all that does not belong to worthiness.
Yet pain is not an inconvenience, it’s real and it deserves our attention.
The purpose of practicing self-worth is to have the embodied, expansive experience of our brilliance and beauty
While remembering our pain is worthy of being felt too.
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Resources:
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For some of the most beautiful unshaming writing around motherhood, read
Being in Motherhood here on Substack.If you are craving to gather with other women in community, to share stories and heal together, I recommend subscribing to
and who are holding an online women’s circle 22nd JuneFor empowered relating to self and others I highly recommend
of Sex and Style, one of my favourite Substacks.
This is really beautiful. Sending it to my younger self as a prayer. ✨💜
This was so beautiful to read, and also made me think about a piece I wrote years ago on … self ‘like’ needing to come before self love because it truly isn’t an easy path to just jump into ‘loving yourself’ when you have spent years feeling unworthy of that love. Now I can see the way that a lack of self worth comes through in everyday moments and choices… and is so so rife in mothers particularly I think. A gorgeous piece thank you, and thank you so much for mentioning our gathering, we are so excited. Xxx