Several years ago after a traumatic breakup, and some close examination of my WTF relationship choices thus far, I was on the London Underground and suddenly realised something that would change my life and work forever: Worthiness is innate, but self-worth is a practice
This was so beautiful to read, and also made me think about a piece I wrote years ago on … self ‘like’ needing to come before self love because it truly isn’t an easy path to just jump into ‘loving yourself’ when you have spent years feeling unworthy of that love. Now I can see the way that a lack of self worth comes through in everyday moments and choices… and is so so rife in mothers particularly I think. A gorgeous piece thank you, and thank you so much for mentioning our gathering, we are so excited. Xxx
Thank you for this. I had a very similar experience — 2 years single after a toxic relationship that awoke me to the true extent of how low my self-worth was — and I completely agree, it is absolutely a daily practice and it is one of the most important things we can possibly do. Thanks for sharing your insights which can help so many.
Hi Eden, thanks for sharing how you resonated. Those relationships shake us so deeply they can only awaken us out of our patterns of low self-worth. After which, it often takes less and less destruction to awaken us from a pattern ✨
They really do! The universe keeps showing us what we need to know until we change, I think sometimes… and yes, here’s to softer awakenings in the future!
I just had a somewhat emotionally “devastating” experience, and I have to put that word in quotation marks because even though it hurt a lot I think I stopped myself in time and prevented the damage from being perhaps the last I would endure. I have had the same thing happen to me as you in many relationships, but mine stems from a bad dynamic in my family, so I tend to get close to bad characters. This time I recognized the game in time and simply stopped. It used to take years for me to react like this.
In my opinion, we all have an inherent value, as human beings and individuals, but we learn very early not to have it in its right dimension and measure, we must moderate it, hide it, even despise it in the name of this or that. Experiences bring us back to that center, and it is then when a true process of reconciliation with ourselves begins.
Oh I love how you’ve articulated this… ‘even despise it in the name of this or that’ - yes!
It can be a slow process of recognition of where our choices come from and then making change, and so much destruction along the way. It sounds like you’re creating new ways from here 🧡
Thanks for replying. I don't know if I'm doing anything, but I think I just decided that I don't want to have a bad time, that's progress... although I'm already paying small consequences, I think it's manageable.
i took a break from dating while i worked out while i was always dating the wrong people. that was several years ago and i've been celibate for over two now. the longer on i go, the more self-esteem i have and the higher my standards become for who i want to be with.
This was lovely to read, especially in the conversations we have been having (I promise I will listen soon, life is a whirlwind). Where does self-respect fit into this for you? I find myself thinking about that a lot this week, how I have learned to not respect my own voice in my closet relationships.
Emma you always have the most wonderful and challenging questions and I’m so here for it!
In my experience, self-respect needs careful consideration too, I do believe that the foundation for it is self-worth, because self-worth is like the undercurrent, pulling us in certain ways, mostly not yet conscious, some of which conscious, and self-respect needs to be made conscious through the lens of ‘how is it showing up (being highlighted) that I don’t feel worthy of my own respect, my own awe, my own dignity, my own reverence?’
There’s so much more I could go into, as you probably know!
"It requires us to slow down to an uncomfortable pace and take a close look at the patterns in our choices," reminded me
My journey to self love and understanding required this exactly. The discomfort of this way of being was stark in comparison to the way I moved previously but the realizations that occur when you move slowly enough to feel and see are life changing.
Hmm. It makes me think about this in a different manner. I have the past years been trying to show up for my inner child, and change the underlying beliefs that I have. Though you are right, there is a real truth to that. One might know these things, but actually having this sink into ones beingness, is something different. For it to move from intellectual understanding to become our embodied emotional experience. I have myself struggled for a long time, with low self-worth. Staying in unhealthy dynamics, because I did not feel worthy of anything better. Often staying under this weird notion of, but if I just try to be there for them the right way, then they might treat me better. Though it really is not something one should self-sacrifice for.
Very much this sentiment helped me to counter it: "If you seek to aid everyone that suffers in the galaxy, you will only weaken yourself... and weaken them. It is the internal struggles, when fought and won on their own, that yield the strongest rewards."
Though actually embodying this consistently, is still a challenge. Certain patterns are very strongly ingrained, and just very persistent. Especially if it hits on deep-seated trauma patterns. It does cause a sense of chagrin at times, but then also one is doing the best one can. Verily, I would want to say that what you wrote really is some good food for thought.
Hi Bass, I so appreciate your thoughtful comment here. I agree and have experienced many many layers over many years, we are all a work in progress, and sometimes that doesn’t even feel comforting!
There really are, as you say, different types of knowing, and I think this is where even the English language can limit our experience and expression. Ultimately yes, the embodied knowing is most gratifying and yet in clambering for it, it eludes us more.
I’ve found that self-acceptance is an essential tool, and in fact, the first stage of practicing self-worth, which reminds me I wrote about this years ago on a blog which no longer exists, but the message is still alive in me.
When I coach, I do so from a space of repeating patterns of behavior: why are they being chosen over and over again, is there an awareness this is being done, what unconsciousness is driving that behavior.
This hit me hard! I loved listening to the audio of this! I love how you outlined the difference of self love and self worth. It’s such a game changer. It took me far too long to really get self worth and I made so many bad choices all the way because of it. Of course I’m still a work in progress and I love having these reminders x
Thank you beautiful Tansie. I so feel you with how long it took and the bad choices along the way, many riches in those bad choices though hey!
I’ve been deep diving into self-worth for five years and one thing’s for sure, I’ll always be seeing more ways to realign with my innate worth, and I love that! X
This is really beautiful. Sending it to my younger self as a prayer. ✨💜
Ah how wonderful!
Thank you Claire 💜
This was so beautiful to read, and also made me think about a piece I wrote years ago on … self ‘like’ needing to come before self love because it truly isn’t an easy path to just jump into ‘loving yourself’ when you have spent years feeling unworthy of that love. Now I can see the way that a lack of self worth comes through in everyday moments and choices… and is so so rife in mothers particularly I think. A gorgeous piece thank you, and thank you so much for mentioning our gathering, we are so excited. Xxx
Self like! Yes exactly, it’s a huge leap to take when we’ve felt unworthy. Do you still have that piece online?
And you’re so welcome, I hope to join the gathering, will be a last minute thing as I’ll be back on AUS Timezone 💛
I’ve just found it… yes!! https://tinybuddha.com/blog/self-love-seems-difficult-start-self-like/
And it would be so magical if you can join us! Will keep everything crossed that things align xxx
Just read it - awesome, I loved hearing these reflections, I’m sure it would have been a great relief to anyone receiving this message 🧡
Thank you for this. I had a very similar experience — 2 years single after a toxic relationship that awoke me to the true extent of how low my self-worth was — and I completely agree, it is absolutely a daily practice and it is one of the most important things we can possibly do. Thanks for sharing your insights which can help so many.
Hi Eden, thanks for sharing how you resonated. Those relationships shake us so deeply they can only awaken us out of our patterns of low self-worth. After which, it often takes less and less destruction to awaken us from a pattern ✨
They really do! The universe keeps showing us what we need to know until we change, I think sometimes… and yes, here’s to softer awakenings in the future!
Softer indeed!
(And while I’d never want to do it again, I also feel gratitude for all it taught and awoke in me!)
I also feel such relief that I had this awakening, it brings gratitude for sure, with a shudder at the thought of being in it a minute longer 😆
I just had a somewhat emotionally “devastating” experience, and I have to put that word in quotation marks because even though it hurt a lot I think I stopped myself in time and prevented the damage from being perhaps the last I would endure. I have had the same thing happen to me as you in many relationships, but mine stems from a bad dynamic in my family, so I tend to get close to bad characters. This time I recognized the game in time and simply stopped. It used to take years for me to react like this.
In my opinion, we all have an inherent value, as human beings and individuals, but we learn very early not to have it in its right dimension and measure, we must moderate it, hide it, even despise it in the name of this or that. Experiences bring us back to that center, and it is then when a true process of reconciliation with ourselves begins.
Oh I love how you’ve articulated this… ‘even despise it in the name of this or that’ - yes!
It can be a slow process of recognition of where our choices come from and then making change, and so much destruction along the way. It sounds like you’re creating new ways from here 🧡
Thanks for replying. I don't know if I'm doing anything, but I think I just decided that I don't want to have a bad time, that's progress... although I'm already paying small consequences, I think it's manageable.
Mmm, that moment of deciding - perhaps the most pivotal of moments
i took a break from dating while i worked out while i was always dating the wrong people. that was several years ago and i've been celibate for over two now. the longer on i go, the more self-esteem i have and the higher my standards become for who i want to be with.
It’s so important to have this time alone I believe. It was a total recalibration for me. X
This is such a beautiful article. Speaking right to me today.
And I really love the audio option thank you ❤️
So glad!
Sometimes, discomfort can lead to clarity. It's so important to find inner peace and make conscious choices.
Sure is 💚
Well said. This was a huge learning for me in my 30s 😊
It must be a collective initiation for women in their 30s!
This is so meaningful and valuable. Thank you for sharing.
Hello Matt, good to have you here, and thank you for your feedback, gratefully received 🧡
This was lovely to read, especially in the conversations we have been having (I promise I will listen soon, life is a whirlwind). Where does self-respect fit into this for you? I find myself thinking about that a lot this week, how I have learned to not respect my own voice in my closet relationships.
Emma you always have the most wonderful and challenging questions and I’m so here for it!
In my experience, self-respect needs careful consideration too, I do believe that the foundation for it is self-worth, because self-worth is like the undercurrent, pulling us in certain ways, mostly not yet conscious, some of which conscious, and self-respect needs to be made conscious through the lens of ‘how is it showing up (being highlighted) that I don’t feel worthy of my own respect, my own awe, my own dignity, my own reverence?’
There’s so much more I could go into, as you probably know!
This is beautiful. Thank you for answering my tough questions.
I love this. I see you, fellow traveler! ❤️
Thank you lovely Faith, beautiful to have you here 💚💚
This was powerful Sarina ✊🏽
"It requires us to slow down to an uncomfortable pace and take a close look at the patterns in our choices," reminded me
My journey to self love and understanding required this exactly. The discomfort of this way of being was stark in comparison to the way I moved previously but the realizations that occur when you move slowly enough to feel and see are life changing.
It’s tough but so worth it! The truth really does set us free. Thank you Jamal 💚💚
Wonderful, fresh, precise, perspective on “worthiness” and “self worth”. Thanks for the clarity 💕
You’re so welcome Grace, thank you for reading, so glad it resonates 💜💜
Hmm. It makes me think about this in a different manner. I have the past years been trying to show up for my inner child, and change the underlying beliefs that I have. Though you are right, there is a real truth to that. One might know these things, but actually having this sink into ones beingness, is something different. For it to move from intellectual understanding to become our embodied emotional experience. I have myself struggled for a long time, with low self-worth. Staying in unhealthy dynamics, because I did not feel worthy of anything better. Often staying under this weird notion of, but if I just try to be there for them the right way, then they might treat me better. Though it really is not something one should self-sacrifice for.
Very much this sentiment helped me to counter it: "If you seek to aid everyone that suffers in the galaxy, you will only weaken yourself... and weaken them. It is the internal struggles, when fought and won on their own, that yield the strongest rewards."
Though actually embodying this consistently, is still a challenge. Certain patterns are very strongly ingrained, and just very persistent. Especially if it hits on deep-seated trauma patterns. It does cause a sense of chagrin at times, but then also one is doing the best one can. Verily, I would want to say that what you wrote really is some good food for thought.
Hi Bass, I so appreciate your thoughtful comment here. I agree and have experienced many many layers over many years, we are all a work in progress, and sometimes that doesn’t even feel comforting!
There really are, as you say, different types of knowing, and I think this is where even the English language can limit our experience and expression. Ultimately yes, the embodied knowing is most gratifying and yet in clambering for it, it eludes us more.
I’ve found that self-acceptance is an essential tool, and in fact, the first stage of practicing self-worth, which reminds me I wrote about this years ago on a blog which no longer exists, but the message is still alive in me.
Thank you for being here
I love this, Sarina.
When I coach, I do so from a space of repeating patterns of behavior: why are they being chosen over and over again, is there an awareness this is being done, what unconsciousness is driving that behavior.
Awareness is one thing, action is another.
What are our practices…yes, this.🙂
Indeed! Awareness is such a gift but it’s only half of what’s needed. Thank you for being here Nicole 💜💜
This hit me hard! I loved listening to the audio of this! I love how you outlined the difference of self love and self worth. It’s such a game changer. It took me far too long to really get self worth and I made so many bad choices all the way because of it. Of course I’m still a work in progress and I love having these reminders x
Thank you beautiful Tansie. I so feel you with how long it took and the bad choices along the way, many riches in those bad choices though hey!
I’ve been deep diving into self-worth for five years and one thing’s for sure, I’ll always be seeing more ways to realign with my innate worth, and I love that! X