Do Not Drop Your Needs, Just Drop Your Story About Them
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Some people find most meaning in romantic union.
Some people find most meaning doing life with their cats.
Some just want to birth a tribe of humans they get to cook for and dote on.
I’m none of them.
I thrive most when I’m alone, writing or painting or shaping clay with my hands.
And I thrive most when I have substantial space to do these things.
Space to create is an essential NEED in my life.
When I’ve sidelined this need, I’ve become angry at the world and my mental health has plummeted.
The cost of ignoring this need is too great, so I fiercely protect it, even if I consistently disappoint my partner.
I’ve had to become resilient to the voice that still lurks, telling me I should be more domestic goddess-like, I should be more available for my relationship, I should be the kind of perfect woman a man wants to shout from the rooftops.
Spot the ‘good girl’ trend?
Since becoming a mother I’ve had to navigate oceans of guilt about my need for solitude.
I’m supposed to say, “Having a child has been the most meaningful thing in my life.”
But I’m not sure that’s true.
Perhaps I experience the most meaning when I’m creating BECAUSE I have a child as part of my world.
My almost three year old daughter is the most extraordinary human I know. That is the truth.
And yet I need a lot of space from the demands of being a mother.
Gia goes to daycare four days a week, seven hours a day, in a town where earth mother types happily have their children all day at home, or send their children to bush school for just a few hours each a week.
For a long time I struggled to belong to myself as a mother. There was some shame around my choices, despite it being true to the needs of my mental health.
I didn’t find peace until I dropped the story about what my needs meant and what meeting them meant - that I was an inferior mother.
In some ways, I’ve had to train my partner to not expect too much of me.
It means the pressure is off and I can show up with more love and grace in my heart because there’s space for me to expand into authentic relating without pressure to ‘perform’ some idealistic role as a woman.