It's worth noting too (after 25 years of childcare and motherhood experience) that they pick up on our wish to be elsewhere... the one foot in, one out vibe that we (unintentionally) bring when we're with them. This is not to make anyone feel bad/guilty - we ALL do it - but more just to say that actually surrendering to being fully immersed in the moments, the walks, the talks, the crafting, the mealtimes, the bedtimes, etc.. gives them the attention, the love, the reassurance, the nurture, the security they need... and this in turn gives us the independence, the space, the calm, the quiet and the contentment WE need from them. ❤️xx
Eva you’re speaking my new language, I love these reflections and they feel true in my bones, children feel it all, this is why they are our greatest teachers because we can’t fool ourselves or them. Thank you for your words 🤍
Thank you for this perspective Sarina. I sometimes think like this - when I imagine what it would be like to lose River, and I know I would look back and think - what the fuck was I doing wishing he was at nursery for more hours?? I should have been spending every minute with him! At the same time, I acknowledge my exhaustion and frustration. It’s real. I think it can all exist at once.
Thanks for adding to this Ellie 💜 It does all exist at once, I think this is partly why we’re so exhausted, holding such paradoxes and wrestling with them because they feel opposing and tug at different parts of us.
One of my paradoxes is that I love spending time with my daughter and I also need a lot of solo time, she is a high energy generator and needs more than I can give her, so daycare plays a big part of ‘the village’ role, I wrestle with this and I also accept it ✨
Oh my gosh totally same for me! River needs constant, intense attention when I’m with him. He plays on his own once in a blue moon. So I have to use the TV to get any housework done which I feel bad about but I don’t have a choice. Yes the lack of the village is it!
You have beautifully put into words something I've been grappling with. That "clench" feeling. Ugh. But lately I've been feeling like my mindset is shifting over to the bright side, finally. Or, at the very least, I'm catching my thoughts in those moments and redirecting them to all the precious things about being present with my little one, knowing she won't be so little for long. This reminder helps for sure! 💗
Oh Jess it’s such a part of the motherhood experience isn’t it? I’m so relieved to be shifting too, sometimes I feel like I go backwards, but then the next forwards is even lighter and more connected. I’m really committed to deleting the ‘loss’ narrative and it’s making everything more beautiful 💜
Such beautiful important words. Thank you for sharing, Sarina. I read this article sitting in a museum cafe as my 18 month old contact naps after a particularly hard week of “new”. I can’t bring myself to do much other than to read a bit on my phone and just keep kissing her head because all I can do is just hold her and be in it. Ignoring all the to-do lists that race through my mind — sometimes it’s about leaning into the opportunity to soak up the moment. 🫶🏼
Mmm it’s an opportunity indeed, to soak up the love. I love hearing how you were reading this, thank you for sharing, a museum cafe sounds wonderful. Love to you Kiya ✨
What I try to repeat all the time: one day you’ll miss this time and its interruptions. I can get into the habit of feeling like time is my enemy or I have less of it, but I’ve noticed when I’m in that frame of mind, I don’t dig into things in the same way. It’s all a list of to dos and what’s next. I love how you put it, that “clench” feeling. But when I give into time and life, the creativity feels far more natural and fuller when it comes and those pockets of time come.
Are you in my head? This is exactly what I’ve been grappling with lately. Thank you for naming it and sharing so beautifully. I have been working on this reframe too, I have not lost anything, and I have gained so much.
I’m so glad you’ve been working on this too Emma, I’m sure there’s a collective stirring toward embracing the ‘gain’ within motherhood, alongside all the tough stuff, we are being pointed toward the abundance of love and inspiration.
For me, it’s been like a gradual and profound awakening, yet one I know needs constant practice. I’m so here for it, sounds like you are too 💜
Oh the clench! I get the clench. I am with you on disagreeing with EG… I think creativity is essential to my mental wellbeing and I too have been at my lowest when I’ve not felt able to express myself through something. I definitely have fallen into the martyr and victim storylines more often than I would like over the past few years but I also feel like the gift of motherhood is that my creativity is so much more intense because I’m not faffing around, I just get straight to it and focus only on things that are satisfying and meaningful to me. I have found myself frustrated that I don’t have as much freedom and I have to fit things into little pockets and I can spiral into feeling like ‘it’s not fair’ (said like a five year old!!!) but ultimately these little beings are the purest expression of our creativity and I think I sometimes need to remember that. Beautiful piece xxx
Omg I’ve found myself saying ‘it’s not fair’ so many times in my head. And it feels legit to say it while also feeling like a victim. So many contradictions operating at once, it’s wild.
It’s so true about not faffing around as much, but also I love to potter and be aimless sometimes, it feels creative in its own way. But when I get stuck into something I’m working on, there’s definitely less procrastinating.
But the thing I struggle with most is those pockets of time, as you said, because I need solid hours and I haven’t mastered (and don’t think my energy type allows for it) grabbing those in-between moments, it feels stressful for me. My Mani Gen friends seem to love it!
Oh yes I often find myself thinking ‘it’s not fair’ and actually I listened to a conversation between Layla O’Mara and Jessie Harrold recently when they talked about this in relation to rage and anger! It was very validating for my inner younger self!! I like to have little pockets of pottering but actually need a little more structure to take action otherwise I float around and feel frustrated! I love how unique we all are in our ways of being. Perhaps this is an MG thing!! xx
It's perhaps not as common, but dad's get on the same story treadmill to the detriment of all. I recognized early on as a father when I was mid-sentence in conversation with a friend one day that I was about to excuse my participation in a business opportunity by saying I couldn't because of the kids. I could feel what a slippery slope that would be, to fall back on the existence of my children as a reason not to be engaging in life. It's of course a very real factor, having chosen to be a parent, that there are real duties are responsibilities that require saying no, but I resolved to take responsibility for the no by saying I had other plans, or even more importantly, admitting that I didn't really want to do the thing I was being asked! That was far and away the most alarming aspect of invoking the names of my kids, was that I was actually personally afraid of declaring a direct, "No, I don't want to" answer, and about to use them as an excuse to avoid the activity or the conversation about my decline. So I really paid attention to that. I have found over the years that I've almost always been able to find a way to do the most important things that matter. And, I admit, having an incredibly supportive parenting partner is a game-changer in that respect. But if you're going to ask you partner to cover what's needed with the kids, you owe it to the whole family to make sure you are engaged in things that matter.
Oh Rick I wholeheartedly agree! Yes yes yes, to be engaged in things that really matter.
Also, it’s so interesting you’ve paid attention to the temptation to use ‘the kids’ as an excuse when you actually needed to be truthful about not wanting to, I’ve noticed this too and get a pang of guilt!
Yes, I caught myself once about to say that I had to stay home because my kid was sick, when he wasn't, and realized what a stupid idea it was to seed such a mistruth out into the universe. It was a gateway realization that has led to the examining of other not-as-harmless-as-I-told-myself mistruths.
The part about dragging out bedtime and feeling that clench… yes. That quiet war between presence and the part of you that just wants to be. Thank you for speaking into that tension so gently.
Such a beautiful read and one that I needed to reflect on. I’m 3 months postpartum with my second baby and have found myself mourning time. Mourning the time and slight freedom I had that comes with a toddler. I have so many creative pursuits and found myself dwelling on the lack of time instead of just melting into this season of life. I never ever want my kids to think that I resent them or that I would rather focus my time and energy on something that doesn’t even come close to how spectacular they are. I can find myself playing the martyr sometimes and it’s not what my kids deserve. In return, I’m surrendering and letting go in this season of life. They are only little once and this is time that I’ll never get back. What a raw and emotional think piece!
I love reading this, @Sarina. I so appreciate your honesty and intentionality. It's helpful to have all this wisdom in advance of motherhood, and I also know it's something I'll of course have to find my way in for myself when there 💓
‘I kinda laugh at my maiden self who thought she was doing shadow work and learning empowerment for all those years’—yes! A new mother over here and that ‘gush’ of creativity in postpartum has hit me. Loved reading this. And learning that eventually sleep sorts itself out (ha ha)…I’ll be waiting whilst adoring all the phases that come before, and allowing creativity to flow in the pockets of time that present themselves. We chose this—damn right. And they chose us. What a delight it is to be here x
Yess Claire!! Us and our children chose each other.
My daughter is almost 4 and was asking how she got in my belly and I told her we chose each other, it feels good to lay the foundation of this in cosmic terms before literal, since they are still so cosmic at this age.
Congrats on becoming a mama! What a divine journey it is, happy creating in those pockets 💜💜
Sarina, this is stunning, and exactly what I needed today. I've been feeling so pulled by my creative desires recently that I've found myself trying to fit them into moments I should be spending immersed in my kids. The times I've focussed on them (the children) primarily and let the rest just happen if it happens have been some of the happiest of my life - going to keep this piece at the front of my mind and try to return to that space. Thank you.
Oh I so agree, it’s that age old thing of surrender isn’t it?! When I let myself drop in with my daughter I never feel I’ve missed out, it’s only the one foot in that makes me feel I’m missing out on something. Thank you for this reflection, I’m anchoring all of this more each day 💜
I feel all of this so deeply 🤍 You have this way of capturing things Sarina that feels like I could have written or felt it in my own body. The most precious & potent season we are in with little ones & yet somedays (actually most days) since my daughter arrived I think I’ve just been in pure survival mode with the lack of sleep. But the reality is I wouldn’t even be creating the way I do with the fire & passion I have in my heart & womb if it wasn’t for them 🔥
One story I have that I’m letting go of reading to this is that I don’t get any quality time with my partner anymore, I shared this with him also. Sure I miss him but our time will come, we have the rest of our lives, our children young…needing us & particularly me this much is fleeting xx
Oh thank you Rachel for your kind words, so beautiful to hear you shared that with your partner too, so you can both see the vision together.
That’s it isn’t it - we are given so much and yet tested and stretched so much that it’s no wonder the exhaustion feels unfair, in many ways it is, because we all know most of us are missing what’s needed to raise a child.
But the creativity and ideas are like never before. There certainly is the experience of imbalances and cravings for more space and time, but we get what we get, beauty and struggles and all, and our projects find a way through when they’re meant to, just not often on the same timeline we’d hoped 💜
What you’re saying really resonates with me pre motherhood too! There’s so much I’m learning about the need to say no to chose a fertile life every single hour of the day. Since the wish to become a mother became crystal clear, I’ve been realising more and more how making space for creativity is my biggest need these days. It’s my source of joy and as you said, different creations take different amount of time, baby-making in itself is a form of art xx
Ah Carmen I love that you’re declaring your desire to be a mother, alongside your awareness of the need for creativity, it’s so powerful. The clarity you have is just 💎
It's worth noting too (after 25 years of childcare and motherhood experience) that they pick up on our wish to be elsewhere... the one foot in, one out vibe that we (unintentionally) bring when we're with them. This is not to make anyone feel bad/guilty - we ALL do it - but more just to say that actually surrendering to being fully immersed in the moments, the walks, the talks, the crafting, the mealtimes, the bedtimes, etc.. gives them the attention, the love, the reassurance, the nurture, the security they need... and this in turn gives us the independence, the space, the calm, the quiet and the contentment WE need from them. ❤️xx
Eva you’re speaking my new language, I love these reflections and they feel true in my bones, children feel it all, this is why they are our greatest teachers because we can’t fool ourselves or them. Thank you for your words 🤍
Thank you for this perspective Sarina. I sometimes think like this - when I imagine what it would be like to lose River, and I know I would look back and think - what the fuck was I doing wishing he was at nursery for more hours?? I should have been spending every minute with him! At the same time, I acknowledge my exhaustion and frustration. It’s real. I think it can all exist at once.
Thanks for adding to this Ellie 💜 It does all exist at once, I think this is partly why we’re so exhausted, holding such paradoxes and wrestling with them because they feel opposing and tug at different parts of us.
One of my paradoxes is that I love spending time with my daughter and I also need a lot of solo time, she is a high energy generator and needs more than I can give her, so daycare plays a big part of ‘the village’ role, I wrestle with this and I also accept it ✨
Oh my gosh totally same for me! River needs constant, intense attention when I’m with him. He plays on his own once in a blue moon. So I have to use the TV to get any housework done which I feel bad about but I don’t have a choice. Yes the lack of the village is it!
Oh yes, it’s sometimes so necessary, like doing the ‘wrong’ thing for the right reason!
Daycare is part of our village too (the primary part of it, actually, we basically have nothing else!) I'm not sure what we'd do without it
Same!
You have beautifully put into words something I've been grappling with. That "clench" feeling. Ugh. But lately I've been feeling like my mindset is shifting over to the bright side, finally. Or, at the very least, I'm catching my thoughts in those moments and redirecting them to all the precious things about being present with my little one, knowing she won't be so little for long. This reminder helps for sure! 💗
Oh Jess it’s such a part of the motherhood experience isn’t it? I’m so relieved to be shifting too, sometimes I feel like I go backwards, but then the next forwards is even lighter and more connected. I’m really committed to deleting the ‘loss’ narrative and it’s making everything more beautiful 💜
Yes! And for sure, I feel like everything for kids and us as parents is one step forward two steps back 😅
Such beautiful important words. Thank you for sharing, Sarina. I read this article sitting in a museum cafe as my 18 month old contact naps after a particularly hard week of “new”. I can’t bring myself to do much other than to read a bit on my phone and just keep kissing her head because all I can do is just hold her and be in it. Ignoring all the to-do lists that race through my mind — sometimes it’s about leaning into the opportunity to soak up the moment. 🫶🏼
Mmm it’s an opportunity indeed, to soak up the love. I love hearing how you were reading this, thank you for sharing, a museum cafe sounds wonderful. Love to you Kiya ✨
What I try to repeat all the time: one day you’ll miss this time and its interruptions. I can get into the habit of feeling like time is my enemy or I have less of it, but I’ve noticed when I’m in that frame of mind, I don’t dig into things in the same way. It’s all a list of to dos and what’s next. I love how you put it, that “clench” feeling. But when I give into time and life, the creativity feels far more natural and fuller when it comes and those pockets of time come.
You’re so right Morgan, we’ll miss being wanted and needed and adored this much. And yes, the space comes, in its own way.
Thank you for your input 💜
Are you in my head? This is exactly what I’ve been grappling with lately. Thank you for naming it and sharing so beautifully. I have been working on this reframe too, I have not lost anything, and I have gained so much.
I’m so glad you’ve been working on this too Emma, I’m sure there’s a collective stirring toward embracing the ‘gain’ within motherhood, alongside all the tough stuff, we are being pointed toward the abundance of love and inspiration.
For me, it’s been like a gradual and profound awakening, yet one I know needs constant practice. I’m so here for it, sounds like you are too 💜
Oh the clench! I get the clench. I am with you on disagreeing with EG… I think creativity is essential to my mental wellbeing and I too have been at my lowest when I’ve not felt able to express myself through something. I definitely have fallen into the martyr and victim storylines more often than I would like over the past few years but I also feel like the gift of motherhood is that my creativity is so much more intense because I’m not faffing around, I just get straight to it and focus only on things that are satisfying and meaningful to me. I have found myself frustrated that I don’t have as much freedom and I have to fit things into little pockets and I can spiral into feeling like ‘it’s not fair’ (said like a five year old!!!) but ultimately these little beings are the purest expression of our creativity and I think I sometimes need to remember that. Beautiful piece xxx
Omg I’ve found myself saying ‘it’s not fair’ so many times in my head. And it feels legit to say it while also feeling like a victim. So many contradictions operating at once, it’s wild.
It’s so true about not faffing around as much, but also I love to potter and be aimless sometimes, it feels creative in its own way. But when I get stuck into something I’m working on, there’s definitely less procrastinating.
But the thing I struggle with most is those pockets of time, as you said, because I need solid hours and I haven’t mastered (and don’t think my energy type allows for it) grabbing those in-between moments, it feels stressful for me. My Mani Gen friends seem to love it!
Oh yes I often find myself thinking ‘it’s not fair’ and actually I listened to a conversation between Layla O’Mara and Jessie Harrold recently when they talked about this in relation to rage and anger! It was very validating for my inner younger self!! I like to have little pockets of pottering but actually need a little more structure to take action otherwise I float around and feel frustrated! I love how unique we all are in our ways of being. Perhaps this is an MG thing!! xx
It's perhaps not as common, but dad's get on the same story treadmill to the detriment of all. I recognized early on as a father when I was mid-sentence in conversation with a friend one day that I was about to excuse my participation in a business opportunity by saying I couldn't because of the kids. I could feel what a slippery slope that would be, to fall back on the existence of my children as a reason not to be engaging in life. It's of course a very real factor, having chosen to be a parent, that there are real duties are responsibilities that require saying no, but I resolved to take responsibility for the no by saying I had other plans, or even more importantly, admitting that I didn't really want to do the thing I was being asked! That was far and away the most alarming aspect of invoking the names of my kids, was that I was actually personally afraid of declaring a direct, "No, I don't want to" answer, and about to use them as an excuse to avoid the activity or the conversation about my decline. So I really paid attention to that. I have found over the years that I've almost always been able to find a way to do the most important things that matter. And, I admit, having an incredibly supportive parenting partner is a game-changer in that respect. But if you're going to ask you partner to cover what's needed with the kids, you owe it to the whole family to make sure you are engaged in things that matter.
Oh Rick I wholeheartedly agree! Yes yes yes, to be engaged in things that really matter.
Also, it’s so interesting you’ve paid attention to the temptation to use ‘the kids’ as an excuse when you actually needed to be truthful about not wanting to, I’ve noticed this too and get a pang of guilt!
Yes, I caught myself once about to say that I had to stay home because my kid was sick, when he wasn't, and realized what a stupid idea it was to seed such a mistruth out into the universe. It was a gateway realization that has led to the examining of other not-as-harmless-as-I-told-myself mistruths.
Great accountability Rick, love this awareness 🤍
The part about dragging out bedtime and feeling that clench… yes. That quiet war between presence and the part of you that just wants to be. Thank you for speaking into that tension so gently.
Thank you Allen, lovely to receive your comment. The quiet war indeed!
Such a beautiful read and one that I needed to reflect on. I’m 3 months postpartum with my second baby and have found myself mourning time. Mourning the time and slight freedom I had that comes with a toddler. I have so many creative pursuits and found myself dwelling on the lack of time instead of just melting into this season of life. I never ever want my kids to think that I resent them or that I would rather focus my time and energy on something that doesn’t even come close to how spectacular they are. I can find myself playing the martyr sometimes and it’s not what my kids deserve. In return, I’m surrendering and letting go in this season of life. They are only little once and this is time that I’ll never get back. What a raw and emotional think piece!
Mourning time - yes that’s it. Thank you Ashton, it’s so beautiful to receive your reflections and your experience.
I remember the frustration sitting so close to the awe in those early months. Yes, children are spectacular, we are so blessed 💜
I love reading this, @Sarina. I so appreciate your honesty and intentionality. It's helpful to have all this wisdom in advance of motherhood, and I also know it's something I'll of course have to find my way in for myself when there 💓
Hi Lily, I so appreciate you being here and reading, thank you. I’m glad it offered you some insight 💜
‘I kinda laugh at my maiden self who thought she was doing shadow work and learning empowerment for all those years’—yes! A new mother over here and that ‘gush’ of creativity in postpartum has hit me. Loved reading this. And learning that eventually sleep sorts itself out (ha ha)…I’ll be waiting whilst adoring all the phases that come before, and allowing creativity to flow in the pockets of time that present themselves. We chose this—damn right. And they chose us. What a delight it is to be here x
Yess Claire!! Us and our children chose each other.
My daughter is almost 4 and was asking how she got in my belly and I told her we chose each other, it feels good to lay the foundation of this in cosmic terms before literal, since they are still so cosmic at this age.
Congrats on becoming a mama! What a divine journey it is, happy creating in those pockets 💜💜
That is precious. And thank you 🤍 Divine so far, indeed! x
🙏🏽
Sarina, this is stunning, and exactly what I needed today. I've been feeling so pulled by my creative desires recently that I've found myself trying to fit them into moments I should be spending immersed in my kids. The times I've focussed on them (the children) primarily and let the rest just happen if it happens have been some of the happiest of my life - going to keep this piece at the front of my mind and try to return to that space. Thank you.
Oh I so agree, it’s that age old thing of surrender isn’t it?! When I let myself drop in with my daughter I never feel I’ve missed out, it’s only the one foot in that makes me feel I’m missing out on something. Thank you for this reflection, I’m anchoring all of this more each day 💜
I feel all of this so deeply 🤍 You have this way of capturing things Sarina that feels like I could have written or felt it in my own body. The most precious & potent season we are in with little ones & yet somedays (actually most days) since my daughter arrived I think I’ve just been in pure survival mode with the lack of sleep. But the reality is I wouldn’t even be creating the way I do with the fire & passion I have in my heart & womb if it wasn’t for them 🔥
One story I have that I’m letting go of reading to this is that I don’t get any quality time with my partner anymore, I shared this with him also. Sure I miss him but our time will come, we have the rest of our lives, our children young…needing us & particularly me this much is fleeting xx
Oh thank you Rachel for your kind words, so beautiful to hear you shared that with your partner too, so you can both see the vision together.
That’s it isn’t it - we are given so much and yet tested and stretched so much that it’s no wonder the exhaustion feels unfair, in many ways it is, because we all know most of us are missing what’s needed to raise a child.
But the creativity and ideas are like never before. There certainly is the experience of imbalances and cravings for more space and time, but we get what we get, beauty and struggles and all, and our projects find a way through when they’re meant to, just not often on the same timeline we’d hoped 💜
What you’re saying really resonates with me pre motherhood too! There’s so much I’m learning about the need to say no to chose a fertile life every single hour of the day. Since the wish to become a mother became crystal clear, I’ve been realising more and more how making space for creativity is my biggest need these days. It’s my source of joy and as you said, different creations take different amount of time, baby-making in itself is a form of art xx
Ah Carmen I love that you’re declaring your desire to be a mother, alongside your awareness of the need for creativity, it’s so powerful. The clarity you have is just 💎
❤️