I wonder if the woman who became your friend's bestie was cold to you because she felt intimidated and perhaps then unworthy around you. She could have felt envy at your beauty or some other thing about you. I say this because I have experienced this from both sides. The trance of unworthiness affects us all in myriad ways.
Wonderfully written. I’ve grappled with that sentiment, “They can’t get away with whatever they want!” on various occasions. Of course, it’s true. They are ultimately not in charge and need you to be a strong leader.
But in the daily chaos of raising young children, there are so many times throughout the day that children have the power robbed from them. Not in a bad way, nor through any malicious intent on the parent’s part—it’s merely the reality.
We often underestimate the many ways in which children lack power and autonomy. Think about how many decisions are made for them.
So, when my toddlers protest, I make it a point to ask myself, “Does this particular situation really matter? Is it crucially important that they do as I say?” Most of the time, it’s not. So I pick my battles :)
Yes Alexandra, such an important acknowledgment about how children have their power robbed from them, a lot of the time it’s unnecessary, and as you say they do need to be led, but these need not be mutually exclusive, we can guide them into making more decisions for themselves. It’s often a capacity thing isn’t it? Like, how tired we might be at the time and just want to to be simple and happen quickly. Yes, discerning, ‘does it really matter?’ Is the question that can serve everyone
"I could sense the relief in her little body. She could feel me now, listening." -- Ooooh this gave me chills! I just wrote a post about how difficult it is when we don't feel listened to. It certainly triggers my own pain body. Those little moments of listening make such a difference -- it means so much to be heard and embraced in our most human and difficult moments, whether we're kids or adults. Kudos to you Sarina for sharing your vulnerable story and breaking the patterns. Your daughter is lucky. I hope to do the same for my own baby girl.
Thank you beautiful Colleen, I’d love to read your post!
The older I get the more I value and practice better listening, there’s such nuance to it, and it facilitates deeper intimacy and belonging, essential for our species!
Oh my goodness, this is so relatable on so many levels. The almost-daily struggles to get dressed… I have days where I am very patient and understanding of the perceived issues and other days when it drives me crazy. This is usually when we are running late or as you say, there is another voice in my head. And yes, thank you for speaking to the co-parenting thing when you have different approaches. I find it so tricky to navigate at times xx
The daily dressing thing, when it’s easy I thank the universe! That moment in the morning seems to offer an insight into the rest of my day, ie how much of a struggle it might be!
Oh gosh this hit hard… I have found myself in similar situations so often and it’s so hard to come out of the storylines told by others. I don’t want to live them out but they sweep over me and take over sometimes and yet as you say… when I witness my husband acting the same way I can see it so clearly and I call him out on it. Last night I was feeling anxious and exhausted because I’m facing a weekend of solo parenting and that was running through me at bedtime… so when my daughter was stalling and ‘not listening’ to my requests I blew up at her… my husband even called me out on it and I just felt so angry at him but also at myself because I knew it wasn’t my true voice. Thank you for sharing this it’s really put things in perspective for me today. Xxx
Thank you for sharing some of your experience Lauren, sometimes I share this kinda thing and I’m like ‘what if no one else does this kind of thing, I’m gonna look like an unfit mother’ but I know that’s ultimately another one of those voices! X
Sarina, your story telling is so POTENT. While I don't have a child to parent, I do have an inner child. And she wants to be heard. All too often I down out her voice and make her get in line, and she's not about it. Thank you for this gentle reminder that we're better than this.
Oohhh this landed on point for me! My husband is also the ‘don’t let them win’ type, and I notice it rubbing off on me at times. It I will admit sometimes I just desperately want a simple thing like getting them changed to be quick and painless! But doing the sneak attack never works! I’ve tried too.
I also feel you on those old wounds and stories, of not feeling cool enough or being good enough. All this unpacking is exhausting and I so hope it is worth it for our kids.
Totally! It’s utterly exhausting most of the time. I remind myself that’s this is all FOR something, and I’m rewiring myself for more and more gentleness each time my child flares up, simply because it feels better in my body as well as for everyone else. X
And your parenting is spot on. You are being human, imperfectly perfect… and teaching your strong little one how to hold onto her opinions until she is heard. She will understand and be proud of herself. You can also encourage this in her by telling her that you’re so glad she made sure you heard her, and that she didn’t give up. Mommy’s listening ears weren’t turned on just then, and you’re sorry, but she got your attention. ❤️ THIS is real parenting. So many hugs to you.
Thank you Teyani, I recently heard something like ‘I’m so glad you told me…’ and this you suggest is similar ‘I’m so glad you didn’t give up and I finally heard you’
PS we must have just been reading each other’s writing at the same time 😆
Thank you Sarina - I literally experienced this this morning. I’ve been getting so triggered by my 3 year old not eating at mealtimes and then just wanting to eat biscuits all day. I yelled at him this morning after he threw his bowl of porridge across the table. I stormed upstairs and lay on the bed and noticed what thoughts were coming up and it was a combination of ‘your a bad mum, it’s your fault he won’t eat proper food, you’re getting it wrong’ and then all those bloody weaning books with pictures of beaming children with healthy food smeared over their faces and then a recent Instagram post I saw that said ‘mums - you CAN change your child from being a picky eater’. In that moment I tried to bring myself some self compassion. None of those voices were really mine- they’d come from outside of me. And because I believed them, I’d exploded at my son. It was/is so painful to have moments like this, but I try to have compassion for myself and I (almost) always repair and apologise.
Ooh Ellie, thank you for sharing this, I feel you deeply in this experience.
The voices saying ‘you’re doing it wrong’ are pervasive and oppressive and barely recognisable sometimes. And yes, onboarding them is so often the source of our expressed anger. Repair feels so good doesn’t it? X
This is so beautiful! I find whenever I do not parent the way I know I am capable of, it is because some other voice is going off in my head or I find myself telling myself about something else, as you were, that is not that important. I am finding these days how important it is to tend to my own experiences in the moment because I had a similar experience with my son the other day because of something I could not let go of in my own body, unrelated to him.
Oh gosh I feel like I could have written a whole book on how our bodies hold these voices that aren’t our own! We are both doing a wonderful job, awareness and redirection. X
Thank you for finding and writing the words in my head. This is my experience and I had no idea how much I was gripped by that trance of unworthiness you described until I became a parent. It’s so easy to numb in a busy, adults only life but it cannot remain hidden in the presence of children. Every day I find more tiny signs of trance to release and sometimes it seems like the work to release it will never be done, it I realise that my ability to accept this is also the seed from which my ability to accept my children (and everyone else) exactly as there are. Though sometimes it also feels a lot more inviting to just hide under the furniture and eat chocolate cake! 😂
It really cannot hide in the presence of children! And yes the work really feels endless and knowing this can bring more acceptance of others. I love how you articulated all this.
Def reckon hiding with choc cake is a necessary part of the process too! X
Very moving, Sarina. As parents, we make tough choices every day. I remember when I was a young mom - I realised very clearly I have two choices - be as my dad as a parent (very toxic) or be loving, compassionate and flexible. In my mental mind, I literally saw two paths ahead. I chose the latter and after over 20 years, I can honestly say, I chose the right path.
So glad to have connected with your work here Sarina. And this storytelling makes the teaching you offer so clear and digestible. Well done.
Thank you Rick, appreciate your feedback
I wonder if the woman who became your friend's bestie was cold to you because she felt intimidated and perhaps then unworthy around you. She could have felt envy at your beauty or some other thing about you. I say this because I have experienced this from both sides. The trance of unworthiness affects us all in myriad ways.
Rebecca I just saw your comment; thank you for your reflections.
The trance does indeed affect us all and yes most of us have been on both sides, to various degrees.
Wonderfully written. I’ve grappled with that sentiment, “They can’t get away with whatever they want!” on various occasions. Of course, it’s true. They are ultimately not in charge and need you to be a strong leader.
But in the daily chaos of raising young children, there are so many times throughout the day that children have the power robbed from them. Not in a bad way, nor through any malicious intent on the parent’s part—it’s merely the reality.
We often underestimate the many ways in which children lack power and autonomy. Think about how many decisions are made for them.
So, when my toddlers protest, I make it a point to ask myself, “Does this particular situation really matter? Is it crucially important that they do as I say?” Most of the time, it’s not. So I pick my battles :)
Yes Alexandra, such an important acknowledgment about how children have their power robbed from them, a lot of the time it’s unnecessary, and as you say they do need to be led, but these need not be mutually exclusive, we can guide them into making more decisions for themselves. It’s often a capacity thing isn’t it? Like, how tired we might be at the time and just want to to be simple and happen quickly. Yes, discerning, ‘does it really matter?’ Is the question that can serve everyone
💚
Beautiful!
"I could sense the relief in her little body. She could feel me now, listening." -- Ooooh this gave me chills! I just wrote a post about how difficult it is when we don't feel listened to. It certainly triggers my own pain body. Those little moments of listening make such a difference -- it means so much to be heard and embraced in our most human and difficult moments, whether we're kids or adults. Kudos to you Sarina for sharing your vulnerable story and breaking the patterns. Your daughter is lucky. I hope to do the same for my own baby girl.
Thank you beautiful Colleen, I’d love to read your post!
The older I get the more I value and practice better listening, there’s such nuance to it, and it facilitates deeper intimacy and belonging, essential for our species!
Oh my goodness, this is so relatable on so many levels. The almost-daily struggles to get dressed… I have days where I am very patient and understanding of the perceived issues and other days when it drives me crazy. This is usually when we are running late or as you say, there is another voice in my head. And yes, thank you for speaking to the co-parenting thing when you have different approaches. I find it so tricky to navigate at times xx
The daily dressing thing, when it’s easy I thank the universe! That moment in the morning seems to offer an insight into the rest of my day, ie how much of a struggle it might be!
Thanks for reading, glad it resonates x
So true, the whole thing entirely sets the tone for the day! xx
Oh gosh this hit hard… I have found myself in similar situations so often and it’s so hard to come out of the storylines told by others. I don’t want to live them out but they sweep over me and take over sometimes and yet as you say… when I witness my husband acting the same way I can see it so clearly and I call him out on it. Last night I was feeling anxious and exhausted because I’m facing a weekend of solo parenting and that was running through me at bedtime… so when my daughter was stalling and ‘not listening’ to my requests I blew up at her… my husband even called me out on it and I just felt so angry at him but also at myself because I knew it wasn’t my true voice. Thank you for sharing this it’s really put things in perspective for me today. Xxx
Thank you for sharing some of your experience Lauren, sometimes I share this kinda thing and I’m like ‘what if no one else does this kind of thing, I’m gonna look like an unfit mother’ but I know that’s ultimately another one of those voices! X
Sarina, your story telling is so POTENT. While I don't have a child to parent, I do have an inner child. And she wants to be heard. All too often I down out her voice and make her get in line, and she's not about it. Thank you for this gentle reminder that we're better than this.
Thank you beauty. Yes thank you for the inner child reminder, gosh I need this reminder most days! X
Oohhh this landed on point for me! My husband is also the ‘don’t let them win’ type, and I notice it rubbing off on me at times. It I will admit sometimes I just desperately want a simple thing like getting them changed to be quick and painless! But doing the sneak attack never works! I’ve tried too.
I also feel you on those old wounds and stories, of not feeling cool enough or being good enough. All this unpacking is exhausting and I so hope it is worth it for our kids.
Totally! It’s utterly exhausting most of the time. I remind myself that’s this is all FOR something, and I’m rewiring myself for more and more gentleness each time my child flares up, simply because it feels better in my body as well as for everyone else. X
So true! Unworthiness is a lie.
And your parenting is spot on. You are being human, imperfectly perfect… and teaching your strong little one how to hold onto her opinions until she is heard. She will understand and be proud of herself. You can also encourage this in her by telling her that you’re so glad she made sure you heard her, and that she didn’t give up. Mommy’s listening ears weren’t turned on just then, and you’re sorry, but she got your attention. ❤️ THIS is real parenting. So many hugs to you.
Thank you Teyani, I recently heard something like ‘I’m so glad you told me…’ and this you suggest is similar ‘I’m so glad you didn’t give up and I finally heard you’
PS we must have just been reading each other’s writing at the same time 😆
Truly! We must have been. I love your writing and your vulnerability.
So much likewise ❤️
Thank you Sarina - I literally experienced this this morning. I’ve been getting so triggered by my 3 year old not eating at mealtimes and then just wanting to eat biscuits all day. I yelled at him this morning after he threw his bowl of porridge across the table. I stormed upstairs and lay on the bed and noticed what thoughts were coming up and it was a combination of ‘your a bad mum, it’s your fault he won’t eat proper food, you’re getting it wrong’ and then all those bloody weaning books with pictures of beaming children with healthy food smeared over their faces and then a recent Instagram post I saw that said ‘mums - you CAN change your child from being a picky eater’. In that moment I tried to bring myself some self compassion. None of those voices were really mine- they’d come from outside of me. And because I believed them, I’d exploded at my son. It was/is so painful to have moments like this, but I try to have compassion for myself and I (almost) always repair and apologise.
Ooh Ellie, thank you for sharing this, I feel you deeply in this experience.
The voices saying ‘you’re doing it wrong’ are pervasive and oppressive and barely recognisable sometimes. And yes, onboarding them is so often the source of our expressed anger. Repair feels so good doesn’t it? X
This is so beautiful! I find whenever I do not parent the way I know I am capable of, it is because some other voice is going off in my head or I find myself telling myself about something else, as you were, that is not that important. I am finding these days how important it is to tend to my own experiences in the moment because I had a similar experience with my son the other day because of something I could not let go of in my own body, unrelated to him.
Oh gosh I feel like I could have written a whole book on how our bodies hold these voices that aren’t our own! We are both doing a wonderful job, awareness and redirection. X
I say write the book, I totally agree with you there is much to be said about it. Yes, we are!!
this is beauty and truth. love that photo of you and Gia.
Thank you Kristen x
Thank you for finding and writing the words in my head. This is my experience and I had no idea how much I was gripped by that trance of unworthiness you described until I became a parent. It’s so easy to numb in a busy, adults only life but it cannot remain hidden in the presence of children. Every day I find more tiny signs of trance to release and sometimes it seems like the work to release it will never be done, it I realise that my ability to accept this is also the seed from which my ability to accept my children (and everyone else) exactly as there are. Though sometimes it also feels a lot more inviting to just hide under the furniture and eat chocolate cake! 😂
It really cannot hide in the presence of children! And yes the work really feels endless and knowing this can bring more acceptance of others. I love how you articulated all this.
Def reckon hiding with choc cake is a necessary part of the process too! X
Very moving, Sarina. As parents, we make tough choices every day. I remember when I was a young mom - I realised very clearly I have two choices - be as my dad as a parent (very toxic) or be loving, compassionate and flexible. In my mental mind, I literally saw two paths ahead. I chose the latter and after over 20 years, I can honestly say, I chose the right path.
So beautiful Sylwia, thank you for sharing a piece of your heart and story. You’re amazing. X